我们其实并不在乎

I was just thinking about all the things that happened in the last 6 months. It's been a mess, totally. I'm wondering that I' ve got intellectually nothing during all this time. It's like...it's like just wierd...we' ve been so happy together and I even started to plan my future with her, and then suddenly, something seems like broken...it's like one thread was attached to a post, and brutally, maybe there has some imvisible reason, it's detached...although it's unimaginable. After this Outgames, she's been acting distantly with me, no more sweet words, no more lovely attachments...she is cold like a piece of ice, at first, I was trying to fix it up, I didn't ask anything to her..because I know that it is useless...she is like an egocentric person and gets always a lot of responsibility on her own..I know her, so that's the reason why I didn't ask..I feel that I'm her girl..even if i know that each period of good time we had should end one day or an another,,,it's unchangeable...it's her nature and I just respect her,,but inside of my heart, there is one thing I am very clear about is that she knows what she wants...she always knows...but the thing is different with me..cauz I never know what exactly I want in my life...I am such a lost girl...and then I make effort to change,,,to take a decision...and then I made myself cry...I was crying so desperately..I felt like this is the end of the world..and then I thought about break up...but something magic just happend before I stopped crying...I calmed myself down..and i was just like forget about it..I chat with her at usual...it is like absolutely nothing has happened to me...i feel like a baby..and a vain girl who spent money everywhere...she needs a break...i understand..but i want to ask myself a question:" Do you feel yourself have more value when she shows herself in love with you? " that is a stupid question..cauz the answer is obviously YES! cauz you live for her that's all..you don't live for yourself..you make her a huge favor...you always think about if i do this what SHE is going to feel about? will she be sad? will she be unhappy? will she talk to me again? what i am going to do if she will not gonna speak to me? can I imagine my life without her? i'm not a logical person..because all the women aren't logical..but i think she is...I AM A SHADOW OF HER..i have always been...i am totally fucked..


(00:07) I discovered that everyone has been involved into something different since we separated. Me&Mi = desperate...

19 August, 00:48

你可否知道被人发觉了自己极力隐藏的东西的时候是什么感受？那种临近与被人看了赤裸身体过后的愤怒与羞辱和那种似乎被人拨掉了皮的痛楚与无奈，没有经历过你是不会懂得，刚刚我体会到这个貌似很小巧的痛苦。逃不出去的一个圈子，这一个星期以来多少次我哭得像要死一样，我失去了以往的平和与温祥，当一个人连自己的情绪都掌握不住的时候是没有办法关注其他人的需要的。每天天亮的时候我沉浸在almodovar得西班牙电影当中，或是消磨在漫步st-catherine大街上，每夜耳边传来他们看的极度恶俗但当局者不但探查不出反而欢喜之极的早该被排除在大气层之外的倒霉电影的，和他们时不时插入的一些对话，那些完全没有用处的对话，那些明明两个人都相互憎恨但却又无法逃离对方的那种讽刺与坦然地80年代典型夫妻对话。有的时候我真的很想知道他们的对话是和电影有关系的还是和他们那一尘不变的贫乏生活有关，还是。。和他们那个自认清高的活在梦里的lesbo女儿有关。。我真得很想知道。我不知道为什么每次绝望的时候才能想到写作，这可能就是为什么歌词里面全都是唱的背抛弃的人的苦涩心情，是不是每个人畅怀哭泣过后都会找一种安静的方式继续发泄，而我的这各方式就是写作讷，好像之前我的思想全部被叫做乐的塑料布给蒙上了，等到欢乐随着时间消失以后留下来的只有暗淡的退了色的哀伤。刚刚发现了，原来我需要的是一个可以与这个世界暂时隔绝的办法才能得到短暂的平稳心态。其实这样仔细的想一想这2年来我并没有什么程度上的进步，但是我却可以说在哭泣中我确成长了，哪怕那只是外人眼睛里变异的成长，每个人都有每人成长的方式，既然命运这样安排那这种超级忧郁方法就是我的。这让我想起了jenny，我是不是骨子里面很向往她呢，比方说她的写作才华，她的笔记本，她在一个经历段落后疯狂的出现灵感，等等。她的成长过程似乎要比我的曲折一些吧，她的marina可以说真的改变了她的一生，没有必要去谈论这个人的好与坏，不要忘记我们这里所说的只是一个生命的成长过程。生命从一开始就是一场游戏，一场看似很重大的游戏，其实游戏总归是游戏，总又要结束的一天，等到那一天到来的时候你往回望一望会发现原来所很注重的事情今天看来似乎并没有那么重要，可是为了游戏的过程更加舒服并且有趣人们还是尝试着尽量努力一些，说来说去这其实都是一个人的事情，你的选择你要承担，把已经发生的事情返回来思考是我认为最行不通的，因为从一个比较迷信的角度来看这似乎有一部分是早已预订好的，从一个比较现实的角度来看what is done is done,on y peut rien.好像那个众人们认为很可怜的rosa为了一个trans赔进去自己的一条生命和生产下了一个出生就带有HIV positif的孩子，我们不能说他是悲剧吧，至少在电影里任何的荒谬都带有可以推敲的色彩，说的明确一点，在我看来rosa的整个生命已经到了垂死的边缘虽然它表面上看似还很活跃，一个热爱帮助人的社会工作者，一个有着颗爱心的女孩子，可是让我们再往这中心的边缘看一看我们会发现她和她妈妈的冷漠与疏远的关系，和她那个见了人只会问身高与年龄的精神病老爸爸，如果没有死她的生活也可能只是个mess,找那个trasvestis也并不是一件值得或者说可以后悔的事情。刚吃过了cereal+milk,现在有些困了。。感觉好些了，比11点刚过后的时候。。我热爱写作，是写作拯救了我。

ps:我also发现自己是一个非常psychopath的人，洗手要冲数百遍就是一个很好的例子：）希望一切都好起来，keep believing!我爱你，再见！fin(02：10)